Statuses

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May 23, 2015

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by

Eric P. Metze

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The guy next to me has an epic set of dreadlocks, an incredibly pensive look on his face, and he’s sketching on his cocktail napkin. I bet that napkin is worth more than my car.

May 19, 2015

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by

Eric P. Metze

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The ability to have a conversation without taking or making it personal is disappointingly rare.

May 8, 2015

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by

Eric P. Metze

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Our governor wants to deploy troops to stave off an impending military invasion by Obama. A mental illness of that magnitude should be grounds for removal from office.

May 6, 2015

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by

Eric P. Metze

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“The only thing we have to fear is a lack of fear itself.” ~ The Media

May 6, 2015

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by

Eric P. Metze

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What good is hamburger meat if it’s still in the cow?

May 5, 2015

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by

Eric P. Metze

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I’m so odd that I can’t even.

Apr 30, 2015

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by

Eric P. Metze

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The worst kind of racists are those who genuinely believe they aren’t.

Apr 28, 2015

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by

Eric P. Metze

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It doesn’t matter if you’re male or female, old or young, beautiful or ugly…duckface is as attractive as fartface.

Apr 8, 2015

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by

Eric P. Metze

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Correctly guessing someone’s wifi password is the closest I’ll ever come to being a hacker.

Apr 6, 2015

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by

Eric P. Metze

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There are many things I miss about my hometown. Smashing into a massive tumbleweed at high speed is not one of them.

Mar 29, 2015

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by

Eric P. Metze

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If nothing else, #TheDress is a great example of how differently people view the world and why evidence means different things to each of us.

Feb 27, 2015

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by

Eric P. Metze

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Bad news: while I was driving down the highway my windshield wipers froze and I suddenly lost the ability to see. Good news: I was wearing Depends.

Feb 23, 2015

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by

Eric P. Metze

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I have been informed that my writing seems to be infused with too much passive voice, but I believe it has been shown that this is something that cannot be stopped.

Jan 29, 2015

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by

Eric P. Metze

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I have spent way too much of my life trying to be a normal person.

Jan 22, 2015

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by

Eric P. Metze

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I missed the State of the Union because I was busy working. You know what else I missed? All the pointless bitching.

Jan 20, 2015

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by

Eric P. Metze

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And in other news: the Sun is still shining, the Earth is still spinning, and life has survived for billions of years.

Jan 8, 2015

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by

Eric P. Metze

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Grammer; your doing it wrong.

Jan 6, 2015

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by

Eric P. Metze

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I sure am concerned about FaceSpace posting my private information to the TwitterGram.

Jan 5, 2015

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by

Eric P. Metze

in Updates
My sister and I recently had a discussion about online dating profiles, and in a classic example of a Freudian slip we both referred to them as résumés.

Dec 29, 2014

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by

Eric P. Metze

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The only thing that bothers me more than the term “cray cray” is the fact that I can’t seem to stop saying it.

Dec 28, 2014

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by

Eric P. Metze

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One of the greatest compliments you can pay to a geek is to call them one.

Dec 26, 2014

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by

Eric P. Metze

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I experienced an amazing date last night. We hit it off really well, it seemed to last all night, and I think we made a real connection. So you can imagine my disappointment when I woke up from that dream.

Dec 10, 2014

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by

Eric P. Metze

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If some people really laughed every time they typed “lol” I would be concerned for their mental well-being.

Dec 3, 2014

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by

Eric P. Metze

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I need caffeine. I’m too asleep to be awake.

Nov 29, 2014

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by

Eric P. Metze

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Whenever I found myself exasperated by the sheer stupidity of people in America my uncle would calmly remind me that half of everyone is below average intelligence.

Nov 4, 2014

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by

Eric P. Metze

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If you have a mimosa before noon it’s called brunch. If you have a screwdriver before noon it’s called alcoholism.

Oct 22, 2014

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by

Eric P. Metze

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BREAKING: The CDC admits that Ebola can be transmitted by talking about it online.

Oct 18, 2014

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by

Eric P. Metze

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Don’t forget: Facebook was originally designed to be an online dating site.

Sep 22, 2014

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by

Eric P. Metze

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If there’s one thing a troll hates more than engaging in meaningful conversation, it’s the simple act of being called a troll.

Sep 18, 2014

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Eric P. Metze

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This nation needs rebranding.

Sep 11, 2014

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Eric P. Metze

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In our current society it would be more beneficial if they taught fallacies instead of algebra.

Aug 23, 2014

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Eric P. Metze

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Privilege in this nation is the difference between “civil disobedience” and “attempted murder.”

Aug 21, 2014

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Eric P. Metze

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These people who are standing by Rick Perry make me smile. Finally, Texans have realized that defendants are innocent unless proven guilty.

Aug 19, 2014

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Eric P. Metze

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If there’s one good thing about Robin Williams’ death, it’s the tremendous outpouring of support for people with depression. #HumanityFTW

Aug 12, 2014

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by

Eric P. Metze

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I think most people avoid controversial discussions because they often sound like a conversation between Groot and Hodor.

Aug 5, 2014

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by

Eric P. Metze

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“Your an idiot” is only appropriate if you’re an idiot.

Aug 5, 2014

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by

Eric P. Metze

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One of the biggest lies of my generation is that “diet” and “lite” are synonymous with “healthy.”

Aug 3, 2014

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by

Eric P. Metze

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If nothing else, selfies are a great way to see just how messy someone keeps their room.

Aug 2, 2014

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by

Eric P. Metze

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Today I learned that my last name translates to “strumpet” or “harlot,” and for some weird reason I’m pretty proud of that.

Jul 25, 2014

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by

Eric P. Metze

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Educating people on the proper way to use their own language has become one of the great ironies of American English.

Jul 24, 2014

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by

Eric P. Metze

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( 1 great idea > 10 good ideas > 100 bad ideas ) < action

Jul 23, 2014

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by

Eric P. Metze

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