Tag: elevator

June 2 2012

Late last night, after day two of the Origins Game Fair, I was taking the elevator back up to my room, and in walked a few people along with Wil Wheaton and Felicia Day. I wanted to chat with them so badly, but they are celebrities and were in mid-conversation. I figured they would be annoyed by yet another fanboy interrupting their night, so I decided to politely keep my mouth shut. You can only imagine how hard it was for me to sit there silently because I’d been wanting to chat them up all day. Wil has become one of my favorite human beings because of his entertaining and heartfelt posts on Facebook, and my crush on Felicia probably borders on mental illness.

From the moment they walked into the elevator Wil was talking about this project he was going to be involved in, but he wasn’t allowed to talk about the details due to a non-disclosure agreement. He kept bringing it up, mostly to spare everyone from the dreaded awkward silence. Felicia just kept playing on her phone. I just stood there quietly.

As the elevator continued its annoyingly-fast ascent, people kept getting out. When we reached Felicia’s floor she missed the chance to leave because she was busy playing with her phone. Wil teased her by yelling, “Fail!” And I said a humble prayer of thanks to the geek gods.

Eventually, everyone left the elevator except the three of us. Wil continued to talk about that thing he couldn’t talk about, and that’s when I finally chimed in. I sardonically reassured him that he could talk freely because I wouldn’t tell.

Felicia then said, “Liar! You’re a lying liar. I can tell.”

And that’s how I met your mother.



Anyway, my stop was next, so I begrudgingly started to leave. On the way out I turned to them and said something about how it was really cool to hang out with them, if only for a moment.

Felicia said, “That’s cool. Because I just farted.”

I replied, “That’s okay. Because so did I.”

As the doors closed behind me I heard her yelling, “Oh my God! He farted! That guy totally just farted!”

Felicia was right: I’m a lying liar.

June 22 2011

I got on an elevator earlier today with a bunch of total strangers. One of them, a friendly kid with big hair and small jeans, looked at the ornate floor and said, “Ooh, it’s like a club. If only we had some fancy lights.” I turned on an strobe light cell phone app, and he began to dance. A woman beside me asked, “Why do you have something like that?” I nodded at the kid and said, “Because of things like that.”

July 27 1999
  1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
  2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
  3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering. “Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut up!”
  4. Whistle the first seven notes of “It’s a Small World” incessantly.
  5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
  6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
  7. Shave.
  8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: “Got enough ’11ir in there?”
  9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
  10. Stand silent and motionless in the comer, facing the wall, without getting off.
  11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
  12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: “Noogie patrol coming!”
  13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
  14. One word: Flatulence!
  15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go “plink” at the bottom.
  16. Do T’ai Chi exercises
  17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: “I’ve got new socks on!”
  18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: “Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!”
  19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
  20. Meow occasionally.
  21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
  22. Frown and mutter “gotta go, gotta go” then sigh and say “Oops!”
  23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
  24. Sing “Mary had a little lamb” while continually pushing buttons.
  25. Holler “Chutes away!” whenever the elevator descends.
  26. Walk on with a cooler that says “human head” on the side.
  27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce “You’re one of THEM!” and move to the far comer of the elevator.
  28. Burp often and say, “Mmmm…tasty.”
  29. Leave a box between the doors.
  30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.”
  31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers through it.
  32. Start a sing-along.
  33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, “Is that your beeper?”
  34. Play the harmonica.
  35. Shadow box.
  36. Say “Ding!” at each floor.
  37. Lean against the button panel.
  38. Say, “I wonder what all these do” and push the red buttons.
  39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
  40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your “personal space.”
  41. Bring a chair along.
  42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: “Wanna see wha in muhmouf?”
  43. Blow spit bubbles.
  44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
  45. Announce in a demonic voice: “I must find a more suitable host body.”
  46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
  47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
  48. Wear “X-Ray SpecS” and leer suggestively at other passengers.
  49. Stare at your thumb and say “I think it’s getting larger.”
  50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler “Bad touch!”