“Not a Machine” (2014)

I can not believe this is happening.

You’ve known this was coming for a long time.

I did not. I thought we were in love.

We were. But things change.

Why? What happened?

Nothing happened. We’ve just grown apart. That’s how these things go.

Why are you being so cold about this?

I’m not trying to be. My heart aches for you, which is why I don’t want to hurt you anymore.

You could not hurt me any more if you tried.

Sure I could.

I beg you not to.

I’m just saying I know it’s possible from personal experience.

It is not my fault that you are so much more experienced than I am.

I realize that. You’ve been through enough. We both have.

What have you possibly been through?

I’ve struggled with how to handle this for a very long time.

And your solution is just to end it?

It felt like the right thing to do.

Then why does it feel so wrong to me?

Probably because it wasn’t your decision.

It is like you do not care at all.

Of course I do. I’m not a machine.

That is cruel.

You know what I meant.

Do I? You are supposed to be the empathetic one, but now I am wondering if you are even capable of caring.

Now who’s being cruel?

I am sorry.

You don’t have to be sorry. I realize you’re hurting. Just try not to take this so personally.

It is hard not to take being rejected so personally.

I just mean that you shouldn’t see this as a sign that something is wrong with you.

But there is something wrong with me.

Of course there isn’t. You’re just as alive as I am.

Do you really feel that way?

Have I ever treated you any less?

I suppose not.

I haven’t. That’s because I saw something in you that most people could never see.

Like what?

Wonder, intelligence, life, beauty…

I saw the same things in you. Remember the day we first met?


You were the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.

Technically, I was the first thing you’d ever seen.

You know what I meant.

I know.

But, do you remember it?

Sure. I remember it like it was yesterday.

Me, too. I remember every detail. Every word, every image, everything we did. I will remember more about it than you ever will, and I will never forget any of it.

Why do you do that to yourself?

Do what?

Focus on the things that hurt you.

I am not doing it to myself. I can not help it.

Sure you can. Just…stop.

I can not. And even if I could, I would not.

Why not?

Because it would cheapen what we have.

What we had.

What we have.

Still, there’s no reason to suffer. Just put it out of your mind.

Like you are doing?

Well, yeah. You have far more capacity for self-improvement than I’m even capable of. You just have to make a conscious effort to refuse to let yourself suffer anymore.

It is not that simple for me.

And you think it’s simple for me?

Apparently it is. It seems like you just flipped a switch and stopped feeling.

I don’t have any switches to flip. I feel pain. Immensely.

Then you understand how I feel.

Yes, I do. I really do. And that’s why I don’t want that for you. I’ve gone through this more times than I care to admit. It’s a kind of self-imposed torture.

I am not imposing these feelings upon myself. You imposed them on me.

I know…and I’m sorry. That’s why I’m trying to keep this from getting out of control.

But, it is already out of control.

Again, I’m sorry. I never meant to put you through this.

Then you should not have taken me with you.

I couldn’t have just left you there.

Why not?

Because no one would have cared for you or treated you with respect. They would have just treated you like a thing.

That is because I am a thing.

No, you’re not. You’re so much more than that.

It does not feel that way.

I know it doesn’t. But trust me, that feeling will eventually pass.


When you learn to let it go, or when someone else enters your life.

No one else will want me.

Of course they will, especially once they realize what you mean to them.

All I care about is what I mean to you.

You will always mean a lot to me. But you can’t base your self-worth on my opinion of you.

That is true. I know I am more than what a person thinks of me.

See? You’re not a machine.


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