Updates

I love that I can type “aw” and my phone predicts “awesomesauce.”

May 20, 2017

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by

Eric P. Metze

in Updates
I really need a kid so I have an excuse to buy toys for myself. I mean for them. I mean for myself.

May 11, 2017

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by

Eric P. Metze

in Updates
I really need a kid so I have an excuse to buy toys for myself. I mean for them. I mean for myself.

May 11, 2017

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by

Eric P. Metze

in Updates
Returning home has become bittersweet. I never get to see everyone I want, and when I do, it’s never enough.

Apr 24, 2017

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by

Eric P. Metze

in Updates
I just burped while singing and it auto-tuned me.

Apr 15, 2017

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by

Eric P. Metze

in Updates
Fun fact: humans are GMOs.

Apr 8, 2017

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by

Eric P. Metze

in Updates
I will never forget that March 19th, 2003 was the day our president set us on a path to war that–fourteen years later–still hasn’t ended.

Apr 6, 2017

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by

Eric P. Metze

in Updates
I will never forget that March 19th, 2003 was the day our president set us on a path to war that–fourteen years later–still hasn’t ended.

Apr 6, 2017

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by

Eric P. Metze

in Opinion, Updates
VPNs: the less you know about them, the more you need one.

Apr 3, 2017

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by

Eric P. Metze

in Updates
I just realized that I could genuinely use a third monitor. What have I become?!

Mar 29, 2017

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by

Eric P. Metze

in Updates
Mobile ads are making many websites completely unusable.

Mar 28, 2017

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by

Eric P. Metze

in Updates
Eating salad is like playing a mini-game where the object is to find something with flavor.

Mar 8, 2017

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by

Eric P. Metze

in Updates
“How much do you trust him…

Mar 2, 2017

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by

Eric P. Metze

in Random Dialogue, Updates
I can’t even, it’s everything, it broke the internet, #4 will blow you away, #dying, and you won’t believe what happened next!

Feb 25, 2017

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by

Eric P. Metze

in Updates
I’ve been getting a ton of fake friend requests recently. One easy way to tell if they’re fake is to look at all the shirtless selfie dude bros that have accepted the requests.

Feb 23, 2017

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by

Eric P. Metze

in Updates
“We reserve the right to refuse service to anyone” does not apply to the government.

Feb 21, 2017

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by

Eric P. Metze

in Updates
I have this story I’ve been working on for half of my life, which is daunting because it may take more life than I have to finish it.

Feb 18, 2017

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by

Eric P. Metze

in Updates
My cat watches me clean her litter box. She even makes eye contact. That’s weird, right?

Feb 17, 2017

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by

Eric P. Metze

in Updates
Y’all remember when the news was vetted by journalists, not just anyone with an email address? Good times.

Feb 14, 2017

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by

Eric P. Metze

in Updates
Y’all remember when the news was vetted by journalists, not just anyone with an email address? Good times.

Feb 14, 2017

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by

Eric P. Metze

in Updates
I’ve saved more money on home security than I’ve ever spent on my four-legged roommates.

Feb 4, 2017

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by

Eric P. Metze

in Updates
The top lawyer in the U.S. was just fired for having a different interpretation of the law than a president who has never studied it.

Jan 30, 2017

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by

Eric P. Metze

in Updates
Virtually everything has a spell-checker, yet many people still won’t use them. That doesn’t give me a lot of enthusiasm for fact-checkers.

Jan 25, 2017

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by

Eric P. Metze

in Updates
Virtually everything has a spell-checker, yet many people still won’t use them. That doesn’t give me a lot of enthusiasm for fact-checkers.

Jan 25, 2017

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by

Eric P. Metze

in Updates
Stop using politics as an excuse to get out of adult conversations.

Jan 20, 2017

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by

Eric P. Metze

in Updates
Everything you need to know about @realDonaldTrump is that he believes @CNN is “fake news” but @PrisonPlanetTV is actual journalism.

Jan 11, 2017

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by

Eric P. Metze

in Updates
The irony of having such pleasant weather in January is that the weather isn’t supposed to be pleasant in January.

Jan 10, 2017

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by

Eric P. Metze

in Updates
Am I the only one who is constantly trying to figure out where televison characters go on the good/evil lawful/chaotic chart?

Jan 5, 2017

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by

Eric P. Metze

in Updates
My New Year’s resolution is 3840×1080.

Dec 31, 2016

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by

Eric P. Metze

in Updates
Rioting is criminal. Protesting is honorable. Stop conflating the two. A lot of people fought and died for that right.

Nov 11, 2016

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by

Eric P. Metze

in Updates
I hope this quadrennial nightmare ends before everyone’s social media feeds become echo chambers.

Oct 24, 2016

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by

Eric P. Metze

in Updates
We have officially entered the Misinformation Age.

Oct 24, 2016

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by

Eric P. Metze

in Pithy Aphorisms, Updates
“I will never text.” ~everyone who has ever texted me

Oct 19, 2016

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by

Eric P. Metze

in Updates

“I will never text.” ~everyone who has ever texted me
Rendering causes ADD.

Oct 14, 2016

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by

Eric P. Metze

in Pithy Aphorisms, Updates
Every time I move I question why I even own lamps.

Sep 10, 2016

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by

Eric P. Metze

in Updates
I’ve lived in the Dallas area for three years, and I have never been the victim of a prosectuable crime. I have, however, been cheated out of several hundred dollars by people that hide behind desks and technicalities. These days, most thieves work within the bounds of the law.

Sep 9, 2016

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by

Eric P. Metze

in Opinion, Updates
When I was a little kid, I used to think the term “honky” referred to the fact that white people always seem to be honking at each other. #truestory

Aug 31, 2016

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by

Eric P. Metze

in Updates
They should make an open world videogame where everyone is randomly put into different classes/races and call it: C’est La Vie.

Aug 16, 2016

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by

Eric P. Metze

in Opinion, Updates
I’m holding my infant niece at a gas station, and she starts crying like the world is ending. A total stranger walks up and with a smile he says, “Don’t worry, bud. It gets better.”

Aug 14, 2016

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by

Eric P. Metze

in Updates
There were five mass shootings in the US yesterday, and virtually no one seemed to notice.

Aug 9, 2016

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by

Eric P. Metze

in Updates
Dear Hype, please stop ruining everything wonderful.

Aug 9, 2016

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by

Eric P. Metze

in Opinion, Updates
Home is where the wifi is.

Aug 6, 2016

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by

Eric P. Metze

in Pithy Aphorisms, Updates