Eric P. Metze

Look closer.

Q: Do you think your vote counts?—– Americans?
For the president—- why or why not?

Anyone that says voting is worthless is just cynical and proving nothing. While technically it is true that presidential elections are based on the electoral college (which is a fundamentally flawed system of rounding votes up and down), the important thing about voting is that it is a barometer for the state of the nation. It doesn’t matter that my vote is equal to someone that is a horribly-informed voter during the election. What matters is what happens on the day of the election. And almost every vote is decided before people walk into the election booth.

Example. In 2000, half of the nation wanted Gore, half wanted Bush. Why? Because most people could really care less who won. The entire election appeared as though there were really only two options and people weren’t that enthusiastic about either of them. The Democrats wanted Gore just because he was one of them and the Republicans wanted Bush for the same reason, but the voting block that actually decides these things was more or less undecided. So, that set the tone for the entire election cycle. Few people on either side were capable of changing their minds and the voters that mattered flip-flopped on a daily basis. So, in the end, the vote was so close that the electoral college was used *as it was designed* to subvert the will of the people.

In 2008, things were different. No matter how much fear-mongering the Republicans did, no matter how many lies they spread about Obama’s citizenship and connections to terrorism, no matter how many times they claimed that we would become a socialist nation, the majority of the voters that mattered (the moderates) leaned in one direction. The longer the campaign became, the more obvious it was that Obama was going to win. So, in the end, the vote was not close enough for the electoral college to manipulate the outcome. No matter how much the Republicans claimed otherwise, it was clear to everyone that they lost.

As an individual in a presidential election, your vote doesn’t really matter. That much is true. For every informed voter there is an equally uninformed voter. For every Republican there is a Democrat. For every person that casts a vote based on their values, there is a person casting a vote based on their prejudices. Your vote is equal to all others, technically. But it is not your vote that ultimately matters. What matters is that you vote. A person doesn’t not elect anyone. The people do. And you are one of those people.

Though voting may seem pointless to some, it’s the discussions surrounding the election and the lead-up to it that truly matters. And considering how few people actually vote, each vote is worth far more than one. For every person that does not vote, there is someone that votes for them. And if you’re comfortable letting other people vote for you, then by all means sit at home while “they” think for you.

I wish I had something more interesting to say, but I’m still a little too excited to make thinky speak. I did notice one thing, though.  When Obama gave his soon-to-be historic speech, it was after midnight on the east coast.  Think about that for a second.

Remember, remember, the fifth of November…

I know how this is going to make me look to some people, but I just stop reading certain emails when I realize it’s their attempt to convince me that voting for Stephen Colbert is a waste of my vote. Is it because I’m intellectually lazy or obstinate? No. I just know from their opening statements that they are working from a premise I do not hold: the elections for president of the United States are legitimate.

I voted for the winner of the past three presidential elections, and Bill Clinton was the only one who actually got into office. And even then, I didn’t know what I was voting for, really. I just knew I didn’t like that weasel whose last name was code for a wimp, and I wanted a saxophone player in the office over him. Yes, that’s how deeply I thought about politics the first time I voted. Sadly, since I’ve become aware of politics and my world, I’ve participated in two of the biggest frauds in American history. Popular vote? That don’t matter none! We done had arselves a elekshun! Two-thirds of the nation doesn’t approve of the incumbent, and yet he gets re-elected? That don’t matter none! We already had arselves a elekshun! An’ besides, them terrists maht git us!

But, I digress…

Until I see proof that our elections have been overhauled, I can’t feel any regret for wasting an already worthless vote. I mean, our elections should (at least superficially) reflect the desires of the people, right? People will go on and on about the same things I used to say. Things like, “this election is too important to throw away.” Well, I’ve got news for anyone who thinks this election is too important: every election is too important to throw away. This is supposed to be a democracy, right? To me, the fact that the elections are rigged is the main issue, not which puppets or parties might be better suited to “run” this nation.

Don’t get me wrong. I appreciate their concern, and in the past I would otherwise be on their side. But I’ve seen and read things that have convinced me that the presidential election is a farce. And, therefore, all assumptions based on the premise that they are leigitimate is just plain illogical. So, trying to convince me of the merits of a pseudo-democracy and an archaic electoral system is a complete waste of my time and theirs. I definitely see their point, but it’s just not relevant to me anymore.

I received an email the other day from a family member that told a parable disguised as a political joke. It takes on a distinctly biased approach and misrepresents the other side completely. Annoyed and frustrated, I did the only thing I really could: I parodied it.

“Why Janice IS a Republican”

Janice was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat, and among other liberal ideals, was very much in favor of higher taxes to support more government programs, in other words redistribution of wealth.

She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.

One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the need for more government programs. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father. He responded by asking how she was doing in school.

Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn’t even have time for a boyfriend, and didn’t really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying.

Her father listened and then asked, “How is your friend Marina doing?”

She replied, “Marina is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus; college for her is a blast. She’s always invited to all the parties, and lots of times she doesn’t even show up for classes because she’s too hung over.”

Her wise father asked his daughter, “Why don’t you go to the Dean’s office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA.”

Janice, visibly shocked by her father’s suggestion, angrily fired back, “That’s a crazy idea, how would that be fair! I’ve worked really hard for my grades! I’ve invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Marina has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!”

The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, “Welcome to the Republican party!”

And here is my version…

“Why Janice IS NOT a Republican”

Janice was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a liberally-minded individual, and among her ideals was the idea of raising taxes in a responsible and deliberate manner in order to redistribute wealth in a financially polarized society.

She was deeply ashamed for believing this because her father was a staunch Republican, and she had been raised to think that gays were evil, liberals were stupid, and poor people deserved their lot in life. But she was learning that most people, liberal and conservative alike, tend to spin the truth in order to fit their belief system. Based on the lectures she had received from her father and the occasional chat with her mother, she knew her father harbored a selfish desire to squander his earnings on petty materialism while ignoring the rest of the world’s problems.

One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to–among other things–higher taxes on the extremely rich and the importance of programs designed to help the less fortunate. He insulted her intelligence by ignoring her side of the conversation, cast doubt on the teaching abilities of a school that he continued to pour thousands of dollars into, and when he felt he was in danger of realizing some truth to what she said, turned the conversation around on her.

“How are your grades?” He asked.

Irritated by her father’s refusal to listen, she answered rather proudly that she had a 4.0 GPA. She let him know that it was tough to maintain, especially because the material was so monotonous and soulless. She felt like she was constantly studying, which was why she never got to enjoy her life like most other people she knew. She didn’t even have time for a boyfriend (which was actually fortunate because she was a lesbian).

Her father let her finish talking and then asked, “How are your friend Marina’s grades?”

She replied, “Marina is barely getting by with a 2.0. She’s a Chemistry major, after all. None of the classes I take are that intense. She studies more than I do, but still finds time to be social. She is so popular on campus because she actually interacts with other people, volunteering at the shelter and working part-time at the laboratory. Even though it’s the hardest thing she’s ever done, college is a blast for her.”

Her father, whose wisdom almost made up for the compassion he lacked, asked his daughter, “Well, why don’t you go to the Dean’s office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA. You know, like taxes.”

Janice, quietly irritated by her father’s completely unrealistic and unhelpful comment, responded, “Dad, I need actual advice here, not some half-assed and completely ridiculous suggestion! GPA is an indicator of a student’s ability to jump through the proper hoops, not how hard someone works. I study a lot for my grades, but I compared to Marina, I am taking almost childishly-easy classes. Besides, my GPA doesn’t reflect how society will treat me once I’m in the work force, especially since I’m a woman! Marina will probably be happier than me because she’ll get a career she actually wants rather than one prescribed to her by her family.”

Her father smiled, leapt to his feet, clipped his heels together, stared straight ahead, stretched his arm outward, and exclaimed, “Welcome to the Republican party!”

Janice got up and left to call Marina for drinks.

It’s time to change the sheets!

Let the campaign for a new America begin! It’s not official yet, but that doesn’t mean we can’t start the groundswell of support. Sure, it’s a bit cynical of us to want a couple of television stars to run the nation, but if an actor can get elected as governor of one of the largest states and if a half-retarded fratboy can get elected president, who says Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert are unqualified? Keep checking back and tell everyone you know about this site because there’s no way we’re getting advertising anywhere else.