Main Entry: nu-mi-nous
Pronunciation: ‘nü-m&-n&s, ‘nyü-
Function: adjective
1 : SUPERNATURAL, MYSTERIOUS
2 : filled with a sense of the presence of divinity : HOLY
3 : appealing to the higher emotions or to the aesthetic sense : SPIRITUAL
Teona
“Teona,” Anna said to me, “please tell me what happened.”
She and I were sitting in my living room and I was trying to explain to her what made me so upset with her, Carl, and Ray.
I told her, “When the four of us started hanging out regularly, it was okay to be a little too friendly. We were a new group of friends.” I stumbled over my thoughts. “Well, I was new, anyway. And we all did and said things that were laced with sexual innuendo.”
“Oh really?” Anna asked.
“Yes, really,” I answered, heavy on the sarcasm, as if she didn’t know. “That’s how Ray and I got together in the first place, and you know how long that lasted. But that was more than two years ago. We haven’t been anything other than friends since then, but I bet that’s been completely my doing. The fact is, I am still very attracted to Ray and always have been, but I just need to forget about it.”
“Why?”
“Because I’m not planning on establishing a long-term relationship right now and a useless short-term relationship isn’t what I want, either. You and Carl were together before I met you guys, and there has been this unspoken pressure on Ray and I ever since. Why do you think we started dating in the first place? Every time the four of us hung out and you and Carl snuggled up to one another, it drew attention to the fact that Ray and I weren’t.”
“I’m sorry, Teona,” she said.
“Don’t be,” I told her, putting my hand on her leg. “If you like each other, that’s for the two of you. If you’re happy, I’m happy. It’s just that you guys started teasing us about not being together. I know it was just for fun, but once it got to be a running joke, even Ray occasionally got into the act.” I paused, looking down at my hand. It was much darker than Anna’s, and it contrasted greatly against her pale skin. “It eventually started to bother me. That day we went to eat at Mean Woman, you guys were really starting to embarrass me. I asked you guys to stop, but you wouldn’t.”
“We thought you were being sarcastic,” Anna pleaded.
“I know that now,” I assured her. “But I didn’t know it at the time. That’s why I stormed out the way I did. I’ll pay you guys for lunch, by the way.”
“Forget it,” Anna said. “We owe you more than lunch. We’d never seen you so upset. And the worst part was we made it happen. We’ve been afraid to approach you because of it.”
“I know,” I said softly.
“You know that we wouldn’t have continued on if we’d known it was really getting to you. I speak for Carl and Ray, too.”
“Seriously,” I told her through a smile, “don’t worry about it. I’m glad to see you again. I just wish I could move things back to the way they were before I got all pissy.”
“Forget moving things back,” Anna said, “we’re moving on.”
She stood up and hugged me. It felt good to have her there, returning the affection I’d missed since Tuesday. She left shortly after that, saying she’d call me later. I felt so much better. I knew I overreacted, but just apologizing to Anna wasn’t going to make up for it. Not for me, anyway. These guys were really special to me. Since I moved to this town they have been the only people who have never made me feel threatened or unwelcome. And in those nearly three years they hadn’t seen me upset with them once. I blew it just because I was a little embarrassed.
I knew that even with my other plans, which was to take me far from this place, I would still have Anna, Ray, and Carl, my small family of friends. They were the only people in that town I really cared about, besides my father, of course. We haven’t been lifelong friends, but we are as close as friends can be.
I thought about how comfortable I was around them, no matter what. I wanted to regain that feeling of comfort we’d temporarily lost. I thought about how I could use their trust to our mutual advantage, and it gave me the perfect idea.
Ray
It was a Friday evening, a little after 4:00 when Carl and Anna showed up, as they often did about that time. The three of us sat down and chatted for a while, and inevitably our conversation turned to Teona.
“Guys,” Anna said, “you know we screwed up, right?” Carl and I nodded. “We really embarrassed her. That’s why she got so upset and left. She wasn’t mad, just really, really uncomfortable.” She looked down at her hands. “I wish this hadn’t happened.”
“Me, too,” Carl said.
“Me three,” I added.
“We should do something really cool for her,” said Anna. “You know, to make it up to her. We just need to let her know that things don’t have to be weird anymore.”
Just then, my phone vibrated. I looked at it and saw a picture of Teona.
I told them and they said, “Answer it,” in unison.
I flipped my phone open.
“Hey Teona.”
“Hey, Murray,” the tiny voice said. She knew I hated that people called me that, but for some reason it didn’t bother me when she did it. She knew that, too.
“What’s up?” I asked, and as an afterthought, “Carl and Anna are here with me.”
“Great,” she said. “Not much. I was just calling to see if you guys were going anywhere tonight.”
“Lemme see,” I told her, rotating the phone away from my mouth. “Are we going anywhere tonight?”
Anna just shrugged her shoulders.
Carl said, “We have no plans.”
I relayed the message to Teona and she said, “Then tell them they have plans for the night now.” I laughed and told her okay, and said goodbye shortly after that.
As soon as I hung up, Anna asked, “What’d she say?”
“She said, ‘Tell them they have plans for the night now.’”
“Interesting,” Carl murmured.
“How did she sound?” Anna asked.
“Like Teona,” I said. “She seemed fine.”
Just then Carl challenged me to a game on the GameCube. We battled it out for a few minutes until we heard Teona drive up to the house. She walked in wearing a smile and carrying a brown grocery bag. Everyone was unusually tense because no one was sure how to act. We knew we’d pissed her off, and we truly felt sorry for it.
Fortunately, Teona made it more than bearable. She didn’t just ignore it, or make a big scene, or make a stand of some kind. She just sat us down and addressed the problem.
“Look,” Teona said, “I’m sorry for the way I acted, you guys, but I was just really embarrassed that day. I know you didn’t realize it, but I was serious when I asked you to quit. So can you guys just forget I ever acted like a freak?”
“Well, of course,” said Carl, adding, “you freak.”
And that was that. That was all it took to fix several days of worry. We all apologized and took turns giving her a hug.
In that awkward denouement of an emotional moment, I shifted our attention to the grocery bag.
“What’s in the bag?” I asked.
“It’s a gift,” she answered.
“What kind of gift?” Anna asked.
“A super-special gift,” said Teona, with that intriguingly deceptive smile of hers.
Something about that phrase resonated in my mind. I thought back to the first few days I’d known her. Anna met her through school and had introduced her to us. It was obvious we were attracted to each other, so we were constantly testing one another’s limits, like where we stood on sex, politics, drugs, religion, and music. She had said something about something being “super-special” once. I thought hard, trying hopefully to ignite some memory from the depths of my mind. Another couple seconds passed by and I had it.
I looked at Carl and Anna and told them, “Hey, don’t worry. I think it’ll be well worth our time.”
Carl
I have known that Ray has been attracted to Anna ever since she came over to our house years ago. We both admitted it after she left. For some reason she picked me, so we never really spoke about it. So when I learned that Ray still had an interest in her, I really did not mind. It seemed natural and normal to me. Anna is beautiful, intelligent, and charming. There is a reason I care for her so much. And anyway, if something were to happen between the two of them, I could do nothing about it. Consequently, I never really worried about it.
I was not always this way, of course. I used to have these desperately paranoid, adolescent thoughts that every girl I was with only wanted me because they wanted to crush me. A few relationships had gone terribly sour, and it left me a tad cynical. In my view, they were out to use me for the sadistic pleasure of building our relationship up, knocking it out from under me, and watching me fall to the ground. It really felt like the girls were actively abusing me. It was all my imagination, of course, but try telling that to an adolescent male. Ray and Anna would be loyal, whatever that meant. It surprises me how comfortable I am with the thought of Anna leaving me for Ray. Can you believe the things we put up with for the sake of lasting relationships?
For example, Anna once told me about how Ray almost said something “honest but awkward.” I figure he was going to tell her how he felt about her, but she and I never talked about it. Besides, it was that one night that Teona brought her wondrous little gift, and that makes a big difference. No one can be blamed for the thoughts we may have had that night. The sheer volume of thoughts we had statistically allowed for the occasional slip, especially when coupled with intense euphoria. It would be interesting to see a transcript of someone’s thoughts when their mind is coruscating like that, but it would have been impossible to record it. Our minds were so free and seething with passion, that words could do it no justice. That, and we were all too fucked up to write anything down.
Ray
About 6:30 the four of us were in my kitchen, and Teona was running the blender. It was full of orange juice and almost two cups of mushrooms. When she turned off the blender, it left the room suddenly silent. We were unable to conceal our guilty smiles. These were not shiitake mushrooms. Teona poured four full glasses of the orange concoction: one for each of us. We grabbed our glasses, looking expectantly at one another.
Teona proposed a toast, “To friendship, the most lasting and sincere love.” We couldn’t help but smile, though I noticed Anna looked down while she did. My cheap glasses clunked together, and we started to drink.
After a couple sips, Teona looked at everyone and asked, “Is it okay?”
Anna said, “It tastes like orange juice with pulp to me.” Carl and I nodded in agreement.
Carl finished first, practically chugging his. As soon as he finished he burped. His eyes widened and he put his hand to his mouth.
“Gross,” said Anna, backhanding him lightly.
“Sowwy,” he said from behind his fingers.
I finished my glass next, and had to fight not to burp. Anna and Teona were content to drink at a just-faster-than-casual pace. Carl teased them about taking so long, to which Anna replied, “I don’t wanna look like a pig, you pig.”
A couple minutes later we had all finished, so we went upstairs to relax. The upstairs part of my house is a separate living quarters and is practically self-contained. It is divided into two sections: a third of it is a bedroom, and the rest is a large living area. The bedroom has its own small shower, bathroom, king-size bed, and even some old semi-reflective mirrors above the bed that I swear the previous owners installed.
The main living area, which most visitors spent their time in, was equipped with several chairs, a couple coffee tables, three couches, a day bed, an old KISS pinball machine, and an endless supply of novelty items, collected over the past few years by me and partly donated (or forgotten) by visitors. There were half a dozen forms of blacklights, including a three-foot tall one that looked like a rocket from an old sci-fi movie. There were various automated decorations, some that spun, some that wobbled, most of which were covered in blacklight-responsive paint. The walls and ceiling were covered with old CD’s and posters of White Zombie, Pearl Jam, Pink Floyd, an old movie called Reefer Madness, Zima, Bud Light, Jurassic Park, Independence Day, and Star Wars. The carpet was probably older than any of us.
We each took a seat and tried to get as comfortable as possible. Carl and Anna sat together. Teona and I sat near, but not next to one another. Though we were all trying to act normal, I saw that hint of a smile on everyone’s faces. I knew I had the same half-smile, too. It makes you wonder why we try and hide hopeful anticipation.
As the minutes ticked on, though, we all started to get a bad feeling in our stomachs. It quickly turned to nausea, and in about twenty minutes our moods had gone from jittery anticipation to mild anxiety to subdued misery.
“I feel like I just chugged a case of beer,” Carl said.
“It’s just a little stomach ache, guys,” Teona soothed, “I promise it’ll go away soon.”
I don’t know about Carl and Anna, but it didn’t seem to help me much. I still felt like crap. I sat on the couch as still as possible, and fought the wave of nausea that slowly spread through my stomach and filled me with a sour, acidic sickness.
Teona started talking to Anna, who seemed to be feeling worse than anyone. After a couple minutes the two of them went outside to get some fresh air. They stepped out the second floor doors onto a large deck, which was the roof of the first floor.
About 7:30, I felt well enough to turn to Carl and say, “Let’s go outside, dude.”
He mumbled something and nodded in agreement. We helped each other up and shuffled outside. The girls were facing west, sitting on the far edge of the deck with their legs hanging off the side. The sun, less than an hour from setting, seemed to be slowly falling. It was quiet out there, so far away from the city. The only sound was the rustle of leaves and the occasional moan from one of us. The cool, fresh breeze helped tone down the sick feeling, but we still spent half an hour sitting or lying on the deck, wallowing in relative misery.
“Ohh,” Anna moaned, “why do we do stupid things?”
Anna
I know I could’ve stayed with Carl forever. I just spent too much energy early on worrying about our relationship. Just because I didn’t want to get married and pregnant, it didn’t keep the urges out of my head. I fought with myself constantly about my own feelings, like a crazy person. Any thoughts I had which caused me to question our relationship were just the mindless wanderings of my heart. I needed to feel something. I wanted to experience something, even if it was all in my head.
I had no doubt that I loved Carl, but I discovered my love for Carl was as strong as it was for Teona and Ray, my two other best friends. I knew I could never tell any of them that, though. Who knows how they might’ve misinterpreted it? Ironically, I decided I was no longer in love with the greatest love of my life on one of the greatest nights of my life. It was “that one night,” as we often refer to it.
Ray
The sun kissed the horizon around 8:00. A sigh poured out of the four of us. We were slumped together in a heap of bodies, propping one another up. Because we lived in such a flat part of the world, and because there was enough moisture in the air, we could actually watch the bright maroon circle of the sun disappear behind a perfect horizon. I remember smiling uncontrollably as I watched it blend with the land, melting and soaking into it. As the bright disc slipped out of sight, I realized that the four of us had been staring silently in complete and utter amazement for several minutes.
“Does anyone still feel sick?” Teona asked, interrupting the silence. I suppose no one thought to answer her. We just stared back, smiles searing across our faces. “I guess that’s a no,” she finally said, which made Carl crack up. He laid back and laughed and laughed. The rest of us just giggled and smiled.
I thought about how miserable we had been just a few minutes before that moment. What a contrast.
“You know,” I told them, “I think there was a moment about twenty minutes ago that was probably the single most miserable moment the four of us have ever shared.” They all found this to be hilarious. “Is that wrong?” I asked.
“No, no, no,” Carl said, “It’s so right, it’s funny.”
Anna and Teona just laughed and nodded. The thing is, I consider that the single most wonderful moment the four of us have ever shared.
Carl
I know that love is sometimes considered to be in the realm of the intangible, and therefore subject to scrutiny, but I am certain it exists. Whenever I look at Anna, I feel a stirring that I cannot deny with any amount of logic or reason. It is a perplexing paradox of my personal philosophy that I only partly pondered until presently. (Sorry about the alliteration. Ray says I need to be more creative in my writing.)
So how does an overtly rational person resolve love and logic? I do know the mechanics behind it, after all, and it does take most of the mystery out of it. I know it is the product of an exchange of chemicals in my brain, but that just seems like too cold of an explanation for something so occasionally wonderful.
There must be more to it than what I understand, though I can not imagine what it could be. Just thinking about Anna sends emotional ripples surging through me. I am fascinated with the research I am doing at school, I have read dozens of great books, and I have even tripped on mushrooms, but nothing makes me feel like Anna does. I learned so much about my universe and my place in it the night the four of us tripped. Most importantly, it helped me realize that I really did love Anna, even if I could not fully explain why.
Ray
We had been sailing pretty high for a couple hours when Teona suddenly got the urge to make a fire. I didn’t care to leave “the womb” as I’d been calling the upstairs, but Carl was more than willing to go. The two of them hopped up and Carl asked if Anna was coming.
“You guys have fun,” she said. “I’ll be there in a little while.” Carl kissed Anna lightly on the lips, and then he and Teona went outside.
Anna and I stayed upstairs together for at least an hour. We listened to random songs selected by the 100-disc CD changer, played with all the various “trip toys” lying around, and even spent a significant amount of time playing with each other’s hair. We talked mostly about philosophy and physics. She seemed particularly interested in gravity. That was the Carl in her, I think.
I can’t explain why, except to say that these things just happen, but while she and I were sitting there I felt something I knew I wasn’t supposed to feel. She was smiling but not looking at me, and I was watching her every move. Besides the rainbow effect enhancing the color of everything in the room, light literally seemed to be emanating from her, not just reflecting off of her. Her hair was long, soft, dark, and inviting. And it smelled great. Anna was just so beautiful, and we had always connected so well, I thought maybe what I felt was love.
While I was dealing with this sudden conflict of character, I realized that Anna had said something to me and I didn’t know what it was. She turned and looked directly at me. I struggled for a moment. I wanted to tell her how I felt.
But almost as though she could read my mind, she said, “It’s not what you think it is. It’s just the ‘shrooms.” I was completely speechless, which was a clear admission that she was at least maybe possibly somewhat kinda correct. She just smiled and said, “Don’t worry about it. I can’t blame you for feeling.” She kissed me on the cheek and smiled to let me know that everything was okay. I just wished I felt okay.
Carl
It is frustrating to think about how I acted before that one night. It was more than an experiment for all of us, it was an experience. Something like that is like walking in the dark your whole life and then someone lights a torch for you…for the very first time.
We all changed in a way after that night, and things were never the same. I thought myself a fool for ever believing in superstition, UFOs, ghosts, fate, and even God. It was not that these things were intangible. After all, I believed in quantum particles, atoms, gravity, galaxies, and quasars, and they are intangible, practically speaking. But they differ so much from the truly intangible, the things of the heart. Really, it is futile to compare them.
I questioned everything that night. I questioned what I knew, what I had been taught, and even what I thought I had always known. And I questioned why it was, then, that I ever believed in God. That I felt a presence of some kind was never in question. I even believed for a long time that I knew where the feeling came from, but then that one night I tried to connect with what I felt was God. It is perhaps impossible to articulate the point so that everyone can understand it, but I was truly on a whole other level that night. I had never felt closer to Heaven in all my life. But I kept calling and calling, and the phone kept ringing and ringing.
Ray
It was just before midnight when I joined the rest of the group outside. I was feeling guilty about my sudden attraction to Anna, and even contemplated locking myself in the bathroom for the rest of the night. I just wasn’t thinking too clearly at times. I felt I’d betrayed Carl, but we can’t be blamed for every thought we have, can we? Sometimes things just enter our minds. It’s what we do with them that defines us.
I walked down the outdoor staircase that led from the deck to the back yard. I saw a small flame hiding amongst the trees and immediately knew where everyone was. It was dark, but I could see better than usual. I walked through the arbor that seemed to be literally crawling with grape vines. I knew it was just in my head, and I smiled at how calm I was, considering. There was another yard of sorts that was separated from the main yard by a short chain-link fence. This area had several trees, mostly fruit-bearing, and underneath the canopy of one of them, Carl, Teona, and Anna had a small fire burning in a large, rusty metal basin. Carl was standing up, swaying as though dancing to a slow waltz, and the girls were sitting next to one another on an old swinging outdoor love seat. Teona leaned close to the fire with her elbows on her knees, staring at the flames. Anna sat back in the chair, also staring at the fire. I walked into the firelight, and the girls broke their attention away from it long enough to smile at me. Carl just kept swaying and smiling.
I leaned up against the trunk of the tree that covered the area. It wasn’t a large tree, just perfectly shaped. The bottom branches were taller than anyone who had ever hung out there, and hung low on the outside, providing a nice canopy for us to congregate under.
The flames would occasionally throw something hot and orange rising into the branches. It used to make me nervous to see bits of glowing matter go up into the tree, but I knew better. Still, I couldn’t help but watch until they finally died out. Mostly, I was just zoning out.
Carl was so content. It made me smile to see my best friend enjoying himself so much, though I’m sure it helped that I was enjoying myself, too. I watched him as he stood near the fire. He had his head tilted backward, which caused him to sway a little too much for my comfort. When he stumbled backward a step, I started paying closer attention to him.
“You okay, man?” I asked.
“Yah,” he said quietly. There was a brief pause as I waited for him to speak. Just as I thought to say something, he said, “I’m making a call.”
“To who?” I asked.
“To God,” he repied.
Well, okay. That explained it. I just raised my eyebrows and glanced at the girls. Teona just smiled and Anna sort of rolled her eyes. I looked back at Carl, who still had his eyes closed. His head was tilted back slightly, and his arms were slowly turning outward. The more he swayed, the closer I unconsciously moved towards him.
Teona
One interesting thing about getting older is that we gain perspective on our past perspectives. Our beliefs shape our perception of reality more than I ever realized. For years after my father died, I knew the reason he was gone was because God decided I needed toughening up early on. But now I know that couldn’t be further from the truth. His time was simply up. He’d accomplished so much in his life, and there was just no more life left to live. It was true that his death forced me to look at life differently than most other children, but God didn’t do it to torture me. That idea came from the people at church, and I felt it made God look cruel. God isn’t cruel, dammit. God is love.
Looking back, I’m amazed I never realized how often other people’s beliefs had clouded my mind. They shaped who I was for most of my life, but fortunately they weren’t my beliefs. Not most of them, anyway. I was never really myself. I mistook a fake world for the real one. We shouldn’t always be held accountable for our thoughts and actions under someone else’s influence. Things can get so twisted.
Ray
I was standing right behind Carl when he tipped forward, backward, and forward again, and I could somehow sense he was going to fall. Time thickened as he lifted his foot to steady himself, but because he wasn’t looking down his foot hit the side of the fire-filled basin. He began to fall forward, and as his arms began to flail, I reached with both hands deep into the folds of his coat and gripped as hard as I could. The girls collectively gasped as they realized Carl was leaning just over the fire, and I was holding him by the coat.
“Shit, man,” Carl said, looking down at the fire, “I think you just saved my ass.” I helped him stand upright and straighten out his coat.
“Now we’re even,” I told him, and we both smiled. He had been teasing me all day about the five bucks I borrowed for lunch, and I figured he’d understand what that meant. I noticed Anna glanced at me, but I just kept smiling at Carl. He didn’t have to know there was double meaning in what I said. I was just feelin’ the love, as they say.
“Let’s go back upstairs,” he said to me, “Too much fire, not enough smoke.”
Anna
I can’t describe how I felt when I finally realized how gravity worked. It’s so simple. The farther away two objects are, the lower the gravitational pull is. It can be figured out using a ridiculously simple equation: one over x squared, where x is the distance. And, that’s it! That simple equation, which they teach in beginning algebra, explained how objects in space orbited, why they went in ellipses instead of circles, why planets form, why galaxies form, and on and on. It was so elegant and easy to understand. Why had it taken twenty years for me to make this realization? I should’ve learned it when I was introduced to the equation in algebra class.
I’d always understood what an orbit was. I’ve known it for so long I don’t even remember learning it. You just grow up with all these pictures and TV shows with the planets spinning around the sun, and you pick up on it. Besides, it isn’t hard to grasp the concept of something spinning around something else. But once I understood that simple equation, I truly understood gravity. That’s when I realized intelligence was so dynamic. We take one bit of knowledge and apply it to every other thought.
I mean, I don’t feel any more intelligent than I was in high school, but I know that with each step I grow smarter. When there is a genuine change in someone’s mindset, it’s not because they’re suddenly more intelligent. They just have an increased awareness of things. That night with Teona, Carl, and Ray was full of these little mind-blowing realizations. I remember when I woke up the next morning, I smiled because I could tell that enlightened feeling hadn’t slipped away during the night.
Ray
Carl and I sat and relaxed upstairs for a long time, at least until 2:00 in the morning. We would slip back and forth between intense conversation and deep concentration, jamming out to the ever-present music from the stereo.
“So,” I said, breaking a temporary silence, “you tried to contact God.” Carl nodded silently, but didn’t smile. Then I asked, “What’d he have to say?”
“I couldn’t get through,” he replied. “I think it was because of solar flares or something.” There was a brief pause, and we both started laughing. Carl always was a funny guy, but you had to understand him before you really understood his humor. You had to know what was sarcasm, and what wasn’t. I thought about how close friends he and I were. I was honest with him about everything; everything, that is, except how I felt about Anna. I had the feeling everyone knew, so I felt pressure to come forward with it. I needed to tell him how I felt, if only to put emphasis on the fact that I would never violate his trust.
After a bit of deliberation, I finally made up my mind to tell him everything. “Carl, man,” I said, “I’ve gotta be honest with you.”
Carl looked right at me, still smiling, and said, “I know you think you do, bro. But trust me, you don’t have to. These ‘shrooms are doing things to my head, too.”
I didn’t sense any sarcasm, spite, or anger in him. Only honesty.
“Besides,” he continued, “I don’t think you should worry about it, anyway. Tonight is a night to eat, drink, and otherwise consume merriness.”
“Agreed,” I told him, and that was the last we’ve ever spoken of it.
A little after that, around three in the morning, the girls came upstairs and rejoined us. Carl and I were sitting at the small chess table that sat against one wall. We tried to play a game and failed miserably. When the girls walked in we were trying instead to balance as many of the chess pieces as we could on one another. I think the record was two.
Teona and Anna were a welcome distraction from the increasingly frustrating task. Carl and Anna sat down on one of the couches, facing the wall with the stereo. Teona sat on the floor in front of the couch, facing them. Music continued to fill the room, vibrating in our minds. It was starting to get late, and everyone was starting to feel a little worn out. We had been running full-steam for so long that our bodies were getting tired, even though our minds were in marathon mode.
I got up from the chess table and went into the back bedroom. As I walked into the room, the huge fluorescent light on the ceiling blazed at me. It was the brightest thing I’d seen in hours, and it was giving me what some people would classify as bad vibes. I flipped the wall switch and turned it off, and the room fell pleasantly dark. I groped along the wall until I felt an electric cord plugged into the wall. I followed it with my hands from the wall to a switch and turned it until it clicked. After a moment’s hesitation, the large ultraviolet light flickered and filled the room with a beautiful (and infinitely more tolerable) glow.
“Ah,” Teona said, suddenly standing behind me, “that’s much better.” She seemed to float through the room, and sat down on the end of the bed. “Blacklights must be bad for our eyes,” she said, staring around the room.
“Why’s that?” I asked her.
“Because they’re so cool.”
“Amen,” said Anna, flowing into the room. Carl stomped in behind her. They walked over to the bed and sat down beside Teona. Anna laid back on the bed and slid her way up to the pillows.
“Wow, Ray,” she said. “I’ve never noticed the mirrors before.”
“Ah, yeah,” I said, “those were here before we moved in.”
“Sure they were,” said Carl, which made us all giggle. Carl laid beside Anna, and eventually so did Teona. They waved at each other through the reflection.
“What an interesting idea,” Teona remarked.
“I wonder who did it first,” said Anna.
“The old people that lived here before Ray,” said Carl. Teona made eye contact with me and patted the bed beside her.
“No,” Anna said to Carl, “I mean who came up with the idea first. How long have they been putting mirrors above beds?”
“How long have there been mirrors?” I asked, as I laid down beside Teona.
“Good point,” said Anna. “People are perverts. Always have been.”
I asked, “Does that mean you don’t like the idea of having mirrors above your bed?”
“I didn’t say that,” said Anna. “I include myself as one of those perverts.”
We all laughed, and Teona snuggled up to me. The music kept playing in the other room, muffling most of the sound. It was a soothing effect, and it started taking its toll on us. We chatted lightly, mostly to assure one another that we were awake. Anna fell asleep first, and Carl passed out shortly after her.
I just laid there looking up at the ceiling. Even in the poor lighting, I could easily make out the images of the four of us lying in bed together. I remember wishing it could’ve been possible to take a picture just as I saw it. But, that would’ve required the ceiling be torn away and a camera mounted several feet above us. The mere thought of that kind of effort was almost enough to put me to sleep.
As I started to feel tired, Teona whispered, “Tonight was a good night.” Knowing she wasn’t asleep yet woke me back up.
“Yes, it was,” I whispered back.
She didn’t say anything else, but I felt her looking at me. I turned my head to her and she smiled. It’s interesting how when two people know they want to kiss each other neither of them has to say anything. It was a beautiful kiss, and it practically stunned me. I felt like a teenager, guilty about my sexuality and not knowing why. Teona was careful not to move the bed too much, and climbed up on top of me. We kissed like we used to when we first met.
She stopped kissing my lips and put her mouth near my ear. “You know why I was so embarrassed that day?” she asked through her breath. “Because I wanted you.”
“You know I’ve always wanted you,” I whispered.
“I know,” she said, and kissed me again.
It felt so good to have her there. Not all over me, but there with me. I was given freedom to hold her, to kiss her, and to touch her. We shared one another’s warmth and bathed in one another’s affection. We’d refused to touch the whole trip, and now we couldn’t take our hands off one another. I was careful, almost reluctant to test my limits, to see where this was going. I’m sure if I had known what she had in mind I would’ve been more decisive.
Just when the passionate kisses had calmed down, and I thought we would go to sleep, she slid off the bed and stood up. She tugged on my hand lightly, whispering, “Come on.”
I tried my best not to disturb Carl and Anna as I got up from the bed, and Teona drew me out of the bedroom by the hand. She turned off the lights in the living area, which left the room very dark. The only light was the purple haze that came from the back bedroom. She turned the music down a little and joined me in the middle of the room.
“Tonight was a good night,” she repeated.
“And a memorable one,” I said, and then we started to kiss. Before I knew it, we were completely naked and making love on one of the couches. It caught completely off guard. I hoped it wasn’t just the ‘shrooms.
Teona
I’ve learned that our beliefs may affect the way we act, but they don’t change who we are. I believed that I loved Ray, and it just so happened that I did. But, it wasn’t the kind of relationship I wanted. We spoke as though we were in love, but never actually made the foolish mistake of admitting it. He would’ve made a great match, but I knew…knew it’d only be a temporary fix. I wanted him probably as much as he wanted me, but we just couldn’t be together forever.
But then your beliefs go screwing with you and change sometimes. That’s when you find out who you really are. Many of my opinions and feelings changed that special night with Ray, Anna, and Carl. Most importantly, I learned how I really felt about Ray. I’d always considered him as good a friend as Carl or Anna, but when I thought about leaving these guys, it actually scared me. I missed Ray when I wasn’t around him. That was a different kind of love.
Ray
An adequate amount of time later, Teona and I were dressed and heading back into the bedroom. I was letting Teona lead me through the darkness by the hand, so I didn’t see why she suddenly froze and turned around.
“Let’s sleep on the daybed,” she whispered, walking away in the darkness. Before she pulled me out of view, I saw Anna’s naked back, straddling Carl. I guess we weren’t the only ones who needed some alone time.
Teona pulled me in the darkness to the daybed and we got as comfortable as we could while still keeping most of our clothes on. I was close to Carl and Anna, and that was exactly why I didn’t want them to walk in on me in my underwear.
After a very full day and a very satisfying night, I was in a comfortable place with my beautiful lover and awakened to a whole new world. I doubt my smile faded even after I drifted off to sleep.
Anna
I enjoyed the company of each of my three best friends, whether it was just one-on-one or if it was the whole group of us. I hoped we would never split apart, but I was never so stupid as to think we’d actually be together forever. Teona was already heading her own way, and I’m not even certain Carl and I will be together much longer.
It’s strange. Ever since our trip, I almost long for that feeling of separation anxiety I used to get when I thought about losing Carl. The miserable feeling I had when I imagined him leaving me had almost had a calming effect. It reminded me that my attraction to him wasn’t superficial, that it still stirred my deepest passions.
But now, after this so-called enlightenment that the others keep praising, I’m terribly apathetic to the idea of losing Carl. It’s not that I don’t want to lose him. I just can’t fool myself into believing he’s mine forever, and I don’t get that soothing feeling from thinking of his absence. If they could make a drug that gave you that feeling, people would really suffer. People would overdo it, of course. They’d literally break their heart, committing beautiful suicide.
Ray
I was the first to wake the next morning, I guessed around seven. I didn’t move, though. I could feel Teona laying on me, resting her head on my chest and her arm stretched across my waist. I looked across the living area. It was the same “womb” I had craved the night before.
I expected to have something like a hangover, but to my pleasure I noticed that I felt just fine. In fact, I felt great. Unlike with alcohol-induced hangovers, the sun was not harsh and painful, but golden and inviting. I just continued to lie there, looking around the room. I loved the way the sunbeams bounced off of everything, tying everything together with light.
I traced a small beam of sunlight from the point where it entered the room, bounced off a mirror, struck a red shirt, and splashed a red glow on the wall right above it. I’d never noticed light did that kind of thing before.
The room was silent except for Teona’s delicate breathing and the distant chirp of birds outside. I realized then that I had never really noticed birds around my place. Had they always been there? Surely they had. There were so many epiphanic moments the night before, I couldn’t help but think about how the world would seem from that day forward.
I fell asleep again a couple minutes later and stayed that way until Carl and Anna quietly crept into the living area. They apologized for waking us, but we were unusually perky that morning, so we assured them we didn’t mind. They all stuck around for a little while, but Carl and Anna eventually left. They said they would call me later that day.
A few minutes later, Teona and I said goodbye with a kiss that reaffirmed that last night was not just last night. She said she would call me, too, and I almost refused to let her leave.
Around nine o’clock I was enjoying something relatively foreign to me: coffee in the morning. It was really cheap, but I didn’t know any better. I fucking loved it. Come to think of it, I loved everything. I was feeding on the afterglow of that glorious night. I had never felt so clear-minded and aware in all my life. I recalled some of the blasphemous thoughts we’d had about politics, religion, each other, and I wondered if I’d ever feel the same about it all.
I made an egg omelet, as opposed to my usual bowl of cereal, and sat down to eat. It was delicious even though the eggs were overcooked and I’m sure the ham was undercooked.
Halfway through my omelet, I realized it badly needed salt. As I grabbed for the salt shaker, I knocked it over and spilled a big pile all over the table. I thought of my old friend Skinner. I picked up the shaker and caught myself deliberating whether I should throw a little over my shoulder. Realizing the idiocy of it, I just smiled and shook my head. I grabbed the nearby trashcan, held it partly under the table, and swept the salt harmlessly into it. Most of what I’d known growing up was merely learned, and not necessarily true. Virtually everything I knew had to be thought out all over again. I wondered if such a thing was possible.
Something about the salt triggered memories from a high school class I thought I’d forgotten. I learned in that class about salt crystals, and how they maintain a certain shape even down to a molecular level. Then I thought about molecules, and how I was just a collection of matter like the salt, with some of the same components. I then remembered a college class where I learned that the hydrogen that makes much of my body is identical to the hydrogen that fuels the stars. I realized, as I sat in my kitchen, wearing day-old clothes, in front of a half-eaten omelet, that the only difference between me and a star is the state of our matter. And then I realized that our particular form of matter–unlike all others–has the capability to think back upon itself and make ridiculous realizations like that.