Main Entry: hom-age
Pronunciation: ‘ä-mij, ‘hä-
Function: noun
1 a : a feudal ceremony by which a man acknowledges himself the vassal of a lord b : the relationship between a feudal lord and his vassal c : an act done or payment made in meeting the obligations of vassalage
2 a : expression of high regard : RESPECT — often used with pay b : something that shows respect or attests to the worth or influence of another : TRIBUTE
I. Pressure
After Ray slipped through high school, he spent the next two years at the community college in his hometown. It felt like high school all over again to him, only he had to buy his own books and pay a lot (the term he used was “shitload”) of money. The classes were no harder than they were in high school, but most students and teachers were distinctly more mature. Carl had received a full-ride to Texas University, which was an hour away from their hometown. Once Ray had finished his two years at the community college, he and Carl got a place together and Ray enrolled in TU.
The last and greatest milestone for young Americans is becoming a legal drinker. By that point you are finally recognized as an adult in every way. There is the technicality of being an adult at eighteen, but it is greatly overshadowed by the fact that you’re not allowed into certain places simply because you’re too young. Twenty-one is that hallowed age that everyone younger than twenty-one can’t wait to reach, and everyone over twenty-one could give a shit about.
Ray and Carl weren’t there yet, nor could they give a shit. Maturity or responsibility or whatever determines the drinking age doesn’t matter as much as the date on your driver’s license, and both of theirs said “Under 21” in bold, accusative red letters. Rather than trying to fight it by getting fake ID’s or trying to sneak in to places, the two of them had decided long before to just stay home.
This was fine with Ray, and he would swear it had nothing to do with the fact that it was Saturday night and they were sitting on the couch watching a television that dwarfed the end table it sat on. The dark blue couch was old and neglected, but it was far more comfortable than the once-white love seat that sat adjacent to it. Below the television, a Nintendo 64 sat ready for four-person carnage at any time, the controllers strewn out across the floor like the tentacles of some addictive beast. The walls were covered in random posters from both of their collections. The living room consisted of little more than these few items. But, you know, it was a college house.
“Did I tell you Andro said he was coming over after the game?” Carl asked.
“No, you didn’t,” Ray replied. “Is it over yet?”
“I don’t know,” he said. “Let’s see.”
Carl started flipping through the channels, hesitating each time he saw a football game. Andro had become something of a sensation in the past few years. By the time he was a senior in high school he had been on the All-State team three years in a row, and had been a starter the last two years. He was given all kinds of offers from colleges all over the nation, but he picked Texas University because it was closest to home. Ray had asked him why he picked a relatively average school over big names like Notre Dame and Florida State, and Andro replied, “The NFL doesn’t care where you went to school, dude.” Ray just smiled.
And Ray was smiling as he sat there thinking about it. Carl finally found a sports program that was wrapping up the day’s events. Once they saw the familiar green Texas University logo, they started paying attention.
“…in the past five of five games,” the announcer said. “This match-up should’ve been a no-brainer for third-ranked Oklahoma, coming into this game with a perfect record. But take a look at this.” The screen cut to a play already in motion. “Texas University head coach Dave Barnacle has been so-so this season in terms of wins,” the quarterback dropped back, “but his defense has been breaking record after record.” Out of the pile of men at the front line, a defensive lineman leapt out of nowhere and tackled the quarterback so hard that he dropped the ball.
It cut to another play in motion as the announcer continued enthusiastically, “Play after play, the Texas defense was just relentless.” The quarterback didn’t even get the ball to the running back, who was coming up directly behind him. A defensive lineman, maybe the same one, brought him to the ground and the ball bounced free. “Look at that. The same defender who sacked the quarterback is able to pick up the ball and run it all the way for a touchdown,” said the announcer.
“That’s Andro!” exclaimed Ray.
“Andro Mercur broke the NCAA record for most sacks in a quarter, most sacks in a game, and the most touchdowns by a defensive lineman. Mercur also broke several school records that game, helping Texas to dominate Oklahoma, 34-0.”
“Holy shit,” said Ray, looking at Carl. He could only smile back. They were still watching it when someone knocked on the door. Carl got up to answer it.
“Hey!” exclaimed Carl, stepping aside. Andro himself walked in, followed by Thomas and Ethan, who was carrying a case of beer.
“It’s the man of the hour,” said Ray. He got up to shake their hands.
“What?” Andro asked. Ray nodded to the television. “They just did a little piece on you on SportsCenter.”
“Oh, about the game?” Andro asked.
“Well, sure they mentioned the game. But they talked about you, specifically.”
“Fuckin’ cool,” he said, sitting down on the couch.
“Hell yeah,” said Ethan. “It was really fucking cool. One helluva battle. You should’ve seen this crazy fucker. You guys should’ve gone.”
“Aw, it wasn’t that great,” Thomas said. “You guys don’t need to fill his head with shit. He’s already got enough of it.”
“At least I’ve got something in my head, jackass,” Andro said.
“Oh, really?” Thomas responded. “Would you rather be an airhead or a shithead, Andro?”
“I’d rather be fuckin’ your mom,” Andro replied. The other guys oohed, which fueled their war of words, but no one took them serious anymore. Being ridiculously rude to one another had become as natural to them as saying one another’s names.
“I’m sure she’d fuck you,” Thomas said. “She likes big dumb jocks. Why do you think she married my step dad?”
“I guess I’ll have to teach your mom what a real man is like,” said Andro.
“Please,” Thomas said, rolling his eyes. “You wouldn’t know what a real man was even if I smacked you upside the head.”
Ray couldn’t help but laugh. “You two are so cute,” he said, turning to Carl. “Ah, young love.”
A little later, the five of them were sitting around Ray and Carl’s living room, mostly talking about the game. Andro’s cell phone, somewhat of a novelty at that time, rang, and he had a short conversation with someone. After he hung up, it took him a moment to realize that everyone was staring expectantly at him.
“What?” he asked.
“Who was that?” Ray asked.
“Oh, it was Serge,” Andro said. “You remember him. The weird guy who always seems to be on something?”
“Yeah,” Carl said. “I know him.”
“So, he’s coming over?” Ray asked.
“Yeah,” Andro answered. “How’d you know that?”
“You said, ‘yeah, come on over’ while you were talking to him.”
Sometimes Ray wondered if Andro really was as slow as he acted. Maybe it was a ploy to lure people into thinking he was this thick-headed athlete only to stun them with his dazzling intellect.
“Oh, yeah,” Andro said. “I did say that, huh.”
Maybe not. “Yeah,” Ray said. “So, Serge is coming over?”
“Yeah, and he said he was bringin’ a couple friends.” That slightly annoyed Ray, but only because he didn’t really feel like hosting a party that night. Oh, well. Let’s party.
Fifteen minutes later, Serge arrived with four other people: three guys and one girl, a cute one at that. Ray couldn’t help but notice how all his friends perked up when they realized there was a female among them. He did too, of course, which is why he couldn’t help but notice.
Andro pointed to each of us as he introduced everyone, “I’m Andro. This is Ray and Carl. It’s their place. And that’s Thomas and Skinner.” The groups collectively nodded, which opened the door for Serge to introduce his friends.
“I’m Serge,” he said. “This is Bram, Dow, Sid, and Anna.”
Ray hardly noticed the three guys, who seemed nice enough. Suddenly a party seemed like a welcome surprise to Ray. Besides, now all the apes had to be on their best behavior.
Ethan offered everyone a beer, and almost everybody accepted one. Anna did, too, which was a cool gesture. Oddly enough, Serge didn’t.
“Why not, man?” Andro asked.
“I’m gonna be fucked up enough later,” he said through a thin-lipped smile.
“No offense, guys,” the guy named Sid suddenly said, “I mean, I appreciate the hospitality, but,” he turned to Serge, “before you get too fucked up, do you mind taking me home?” Ray smiled.
“No problem,” Serge said.
Sensing the oncoming awkward silence, Ray went into his bedroom and grabbed his portable CD player. He set it up in the living room beside a small stack of CD’s. The noise was enough to break the ice, and the alcohol was enough to melt it. People broke up into small groups, able to have their own little conversations without the stress of being the center of attention. When Ray realized there were three conversations going on, half a dozen beers being sipped, and a stereo playing in the background, he knew it was a full-on party.
The three new guys were actually pretty interesting. Most of Ray’s friends were from the area, but these guys were all students who had moved here from another country just to go to TU. Ray learned enough about them that night to pique his curiosity. One of them was a Buddhist, for instance. Ray had never met an actual Buddhist before.
Despite the novelty the three guys provided, it was Anna that truly captured their attention. She was friendly, very attractive, and not afraid to strike up a conversation. At times it seemed like she had the attention of most of the guys. She did, of course, but not intentionally. Anna was just an attractive female surrounded by increasingly intoxicated males. It was, like, chemistry or something.
Quite a while later, the party was still floating along as it had been for a couple hours, but something was wrong with Ethan. Ray wasn’t sure when he first noticed it, but Ethan seemed to be fighting for attention from Anna. He was an attention hog by nature, but Ray had assumed he would be captivated by her like the other guys. Ethan never had a steady girlfriend, but he was definitely what one would call good-looking, were one into that kind of thing. Having a steady girlfriend was not his concern. What nobody knew was that Anna had sensed this from Ethan, and was immediately turned off by it, if only unconsciously. Though he didn’t stop to think about why, her disinterest in him eventually got to him. So, he reacted like any spoiled brat would: like a spoiled brat.
At one point Anna was talking to most of the guys while Ethan stood nearby, not really part of the conversation.
“Art?” Carl asked her.
“Yeah,” Anna replied. “Graphic design. But, I’m minoring in English in case I’m not the next Frida Kahlo.”
They all nodded like they knew who that was. Carl was the only one who did. Ray thought he heard a noise from Ethan.
“What about you?” she asked Carl.
“Biology and Physics,” he replied.
“Both of them?” she asked.
“Yeah,” Carl said, obviously uncomfortable with where the conversation was heading. He was a modest guy, really. “How did you end up going to tee-yoo?” he asked, diverting the subject.
“My parents went here,” she answered. “And my mom’s parents went here, so…”
“Gotcha,” said Carl.
Then, Ethan suddenly joined the conversation. “My parents were gonna make me go to tee-yoo, but I told them to kiss my ass.” No one said anything. What was there to say? Ray was an English minor, too, so he seized the opportunity.
“Are you taking any Englishes this semester?” Ray asked.
“Eighteenth century British lit,” she replied.
“Fucking boring,” Ethan said. It practically echoed through the noisy room. Andro glared at him. Anna wasn’t sure how to respond, so she just tried to ignore it.
“Well,” Carl said, looking over at Ethan, “that’s why you’re not majoring or minoring in English.”
Ethan shut up for a while and we went about our business, not really thinking about the mild outburst. Then someone asked Anna why they hadn’t met her before, since they had several of the same classes. Before she could answer, Ethan spoke.
“I’m surprised none of you have met her, either,” he said. “I mean, I’m surprised we all don’t know her. You’re that Anna who has been screwing everyone in our psychology class, aren’t you.” Anna was so appalled and new to the group that she just sat there in silence. The only sound for a moment was the stereo.
“God damn,” Andro said, setting his beer down.
“Dude,” Ethan continued, “she’ll screw anything once she has a few beers in her.” Anna suddenly became acutely aware of the beer in her hand.
“What the hell was that?” Ray asked Ethan.
“Yeah, man,” Thomas said. “What the fuck’re you doin’?”
Andro stood up and grabbed Ethan by the shirt before anyone could stop him. His speed both impressed and terrified Ray.
“What?” Ethan said, and it was immediately clear he was much more wasted than anyone had realized. He hung in Andro’s arms like a rag doll.
“We’re going to have a fuckin’ talk,” Andro said, and dragged him into the back bedroom. Ray and Thomas went with him, mostly for Ethan’s sake.
That left Carl with the five guests, who started getting up, apparently to leave.
“Hey, wait,” Carl said, trying to be diplomatic. “I’m really sorry about Ethan. His good sense is inversely proportional to the number of drinks he has. You don’t have to leave.”
“Oh, I’ll be right back,” Serge said. “I had to take them back to the dorm anyway, and now’s as good a time as any.”
“So, you’re all leaving?” Carl asked, barely able to mask his concern for Anna.
“I have to study,” said Bram.
“Me, too,” said Sid.
“And, so do I,” said Dow.
“I’ll probably come back,” said Anna. Yes.
“Well,” Carl said, extending his hand, “It was good to meet you guys. Come around again.”
There was a loud thump from the back room which froze everyone momentarily. Carl said, “We’ll be here when you get back.” He looked at Serge, but he was talking to Anna.
They left right after that.
Meanwhile in the back room, Andro was inches away from Ethan’s face. Ray was trying to sober up, but wasn’t having much luck.
“What the fuck is your problem?” Andro practically yelled. “Are you really that drunk or are you really the fucking asshole you were just then?”
“I was just being a fucking asshole,” Ethan replied, leaning confidently towards Andro. Ray was thinking to himself that Ethan pushed his limits too much right about the time Andro shoved Ethan against the wall. He collided against the wall with a thud. Ray and Thomas immediately grabbed onto Andro, more symbolically than anything. He was bigger than they were combined.
“Andro,” Ray said, putting a hand lightly on his shoulder. “Chill out, man.”
“Yeah, take it easy,” Thomas added.
It seemed to work, but probably not as much as shoving Ethan into the wall did. Andro started to settle down, but he was still clearly upset.
“That was the sorriest shit I’ve ever seen you do,” said Andro, clearly still furious. “We’re old friends, but don’t think that’ll stop me from beating the holy dog shit out of you if you deserve it. You better get your ass out there and apologize to her, motherfucker.”
“Alright,” Ethan said. “Look, I’m sorry. I’m drunk. I fucked up, okay?”
“You’re goddamn right you did,” Andro said. “But I’m not the one who deserves a fuckin’ apology.”
“Right,” Ethan said dejectedly.
Ethan straightened his shirt and shuffled by the three of them. Andro followed closely by.
Thomas just looked at Ray. His face said, “Holy shit.”
Ray’s creased brow and slightly shaking head responded, “I know, man.”
Once they got back into the living room they found Carl sitting there by himself.
“Where is everybody?” Ray asked.
“They all took off,” replied Carl.
“Goddamn, man!” Andro yelled. Ethan didn’t turn to look at him. “We just meet this girl and now we’ll never see her again because you’re a jealous bitch! I bet those guys won’t come back, either.”
Ethan turned and looked at them, and his face was strange. What was it?
“Guys,” Ethan said. “I’m really sorry. I’m just drunk, ya know? That chick wasn’t a slut. I made all that shit up, ya know? I fucked up. I’m sorry.”
Humility. That’s what it was. This was the first time Ray ever saw that cocky bastard with an ounce of humility. It was desperate and honest, which were two things that Ethan never was. Ray simultaneously felt satisfied and embarrassed for Ethan just then. He was glad that Ethan was getting a dose of the real world, but felt guilty for enjoying it.
“I’ll catch y’all later,” Ethan said, turning to leave. He was actually sad. Ray had never seen Ethan sad.
“Hey, man,” Ray said. “Are you okay to drive home?”
“Yeah, I’m cool,” Ethan said.
“You sure?” Andro asked.
“Yeah,” Ethan replied before walking out the door.
Ray sighed audibly, and the guys echoed that sentiment.
“Let’s just drink the rest of his beer and relax,” said Andro, going to the kitchen. “Who wants one?”
“I’m cool,” Ray said.
“Me, too,” added Thomas.
“Carl?” Andro asked from the kitchen.
“No thanks,” answered Carl.
Apparently Ray wasn’t the only one who didn’t feel like drinking just then. Damn adrenaline. He could still feel his heart, warming down from the earlier stress.
The stereo was the only sound until the crisp crack of Andro opening his beer. He sat down on the love seat beside Thomas.
“So,” said Andro, apparently unconcerned with what just happened, “when are you going to move in?”
“Probably never,” Thomas answered.
“Aw, damn,” Andro said, then slurped the first sip of his beer. “I could use the help.”
“You could use the support,” Thomas said.
“Yeah, like help with the rent.”
“I meant you could just use the emotional support.”
“Are you proposing?” Andro asked.
“Y’all are so cute,” Ray told them.
“Shut up, fag,” Andro said, taking another slurp of the beer and dropping the subject.
About twenty minutes later, Serge showed back up. To everyone’s surprise except Carl, he had Anna with him. Serge looked odd, like he was tired and excited about it. But, more importantly, Anna seemed okay.
“Hey, guys,” she said in that tone that made everyone feel instantly better. She sat down on the couch next to Carl who sat next to Ray.
“Oh yeah,” Carl said. “I forgot to tell you guys that Serge and Anna were coming back.”
“Yeah, um,” Serge started. “I jus’ had to take them to the dorms. Their dorms. I had to take them there.” There was definitely something wrong with Serge.
Anna finished for him, “We figured we’d let y’ all talk while we took them home. I didn’t want to interrupt you guys. Sorry for not telling you we were leaving.”
“Are you kidding?” Ray asked. “We are the ones who’re sorry. Ethan was just full of shit. He apologized to us and left.”
“Guys,” Anna said, “don’t worry about it. He was just drunk. It was nothing.”
“It was not nothing!” Andro barked. “That was the single stupidest thing I’ve ever seen that fucker do. And he’s done some stupid shit.”
“Exactly,” she said. “It was just stupid shit, so I don’t see why we should get so freaky about it.”
Carl said, “We just don’t want you to hate us before you get a chance to like us.”
She smiled at him, “It’s too late for that.”
Just then, Serge got up and walked out the front door without saying a word.
“What’s wrong with him?” Ray asked.
“Oh, he dropped a couple hits of acid a few minutes ago,” Anna said matter-of-factly. “So I’ll be taking care of him for the rest of the night.” Everyone sat there, quietly stunned.
“Cool,” was all anyone said, which happened to be Carl.
A couple minutes later, as the party atmosphere was starting to return, Andro said, “Damn, we’ve got to get more beer. Ethan left with the rest.”
“Is drinking all you guys do?” Anna suddenly asked.
Uh-oh. Ray suddenly felt uncomfortable with Anna for the first time. She seemed so cool up until that point, but that question bordered on impudence.
Andro answered, “Of course we do. Last weekend we went to Poolyards and almost kicked the shit out of–”
“No, no,” Anna interrupted. “I mean drinking alcohol. Is that all you do?” She put emphasis on the last word, but her meaning still eluded the guys. “I have a confession in the form of a request,” she finally said.
“What’s that?” Carl said.
She asked, “Will it be cool if I roll a joint?”
The guys mostly just smiled and nodded.
Carl said, “By all means.”
Ray smiled. He was extremely pleased. Anna wasn’t who he was beginning to think she was. She was someone cooler.
“Have any of you smoked before?” she asked.
“I haven’t,” admitted Ray.
“Me, either,” said Thomas.
“I’ve tried it,” said Carl, “but I don’t think I did it correctly. I didn’t feel a thing.”
“I have,” said Andro. “But I can’t.”
“Football?” Ray asked.
“Yeah, they give us regular piss tests. But y’all have at it. Don’t let me stop you.”
Anna said, “So this is everyone’s first time?”
“I s’pose so,” said Ray.
“Excellent,” she said, lighting the end of it.
II. Volume
Ray needed some time to think. He sat in his bedroom with the lights off, down the long hallway that led to the living room. The music in the other room thump-thump-thumped the air, causing him to rock imperceptibly with the beat. He had come to his room to get away from the noise for a little while, to think. Andro had taken control of the stereo and the volume level was a couple notches too high. Ray, however, was secluded in is dark and peaceful room. It reminded him of a cave.
He sat on the side of his bed, facing his computer. The screensaver repeated randomly generated shades and colors. His eyes were bathed in the light of a beautiful expression of electricity and mathematics. Even the random nature of the computer can be harnessed to produce beauty, he realized, and he was mesmerized by it. He had never considered the aesthetics behind something like his screensaver. It almost had a life of its own. It wasn’t repetitious, it just had limited variables. He had seen some pretty surprising things once about artificial intelligence. If only it could learn to truly think for itself. If only it could replicate itself. If only it didn’t require programming by humans. If only…if only…
Holy shit!
He left his room and emerged from the mouth of the hallway into the bright living room. The stereo was blaring “Dr. Feelgood” by Mötley Crüe. Andro played air guitar in his mind, sitting on the floor next to the stereo. Thomas, Carl, and Anna sat on the couch, silent and grinning.
“Hey,” said Ray, sitting on the love seat beside the catatonic trio. “Something just occurred to me.”
“What’s that?” Thomas asked. Everyone but Andro looked at him.
“Artificial intelligence is just the next step in the evolution of life, and we’re the reason it is going to exist. We’re like a bridge between intelligent organic life and intelligent inorganic life, the progression from minerals to mammals to machines.”
Everyone but Carl started to giggle.
“Like, wow, man,” said Thomas, jokingly. “I was thinking the same thing earlier.” He turned to Anna, “Thank you, by the way.”
“Welcome,” she said.
Ray knew they weren’t taking him seriously.
“I’m being serious,” Ray said. Thomas turned to him, as though he had forgotten Ray was still there. Carl and Anna started paying attention, too. Ray continued, “I don’t see what’s so artificial about artificial intelligence.”
“Well,” Thomas said, “it’s not real intelligence. It’s created by someone.”
“Yeah, but so are we,” Ray said.
“So, we do believe in God?” Carl asked.
“What I meant is we don’t just appear out of nothing. We’re created by our DNA. We’re just self-animated collections of molecules and atoms. That’s all an artificially-intelligent robot would be. It’s just a collection of matter like we are.”
“Are you saying that our purpose in the universe is to create artificial intelligence?” Thomas asked.
“I’m not so convinced there’s a purpose for anything,” he replied.
Suddenly the music stopped, and everyone looked to see Andro changing CDs. He was not interested in their conversation in the least. The good thing was that the loud music was off, so they could talk at a conversational volume.
“If there is no purpose in the universe, what is the purpose of reproduction?” Thomas asked.
“Reproduction,” Ray answered.
“Yeah, but what’s the purpose of it?” Thomas asked.
“No, I’m answering you,” said Ray. “The purpose of reproduction is to reproduce. It has no hidden agenda. It’s like that Tool song that talks about how life feeds on life, feeds on life, feeds on life.”
“I love that album,” Anna said.
“Me, too,” Ray said. “And that idea is so correct. The point of life is live, and it can’t do that unless it reproduces. Life itself doesn’t have morals, so it’s okay to kill someone if it helps you live. We use living things to serve our needs just like we get used.”
“Who uses us?” Thomas asked.
“You know how we have mitochondria inside virtually all our living cells?” Ray asked.
“Yeah,” Carl answered, joining the conversation, “they used to be living microscopic organisms, and they’ve evolved to live inside our cells.”
“Right,” said Ray. “And we are slaves to them, in a way. If we don’t eat, our cells get weak and complain, which makes us feel hungry. We don’t eat purely for our own pleasure. That’s just the bonus, like the donkey getting the carrot on the stick. The purpose of the carrot is to make the donkey carry someone through a journey, and it is the urge to eat that carrot that keeps it going. Pleasure and happiness don’t actually do anything for us other than make us happy and give us hope, so we continue to want to live. If we just said screw it, billions of microorganisms and one big organism would die. That wouldn’t serve any of us. We serve the little organisms that fill our bodies, therefore ensuring their survival.”
They sat for a moment, half-stoned and digesting what Ray was saying. Carl was the first to speak.
“So, how does that tie into artificial intelligence?”
“Well, we’re like the mitochondria and AI is like us. We create it to do what we want, to serve both its needs and ours, and it’ll take on a life of its own.”
“Yeah,” Thomas said, “right before it takes over our lives.”
“I think that’s just human paranoia,” Anna said. “Most animals are paranoid of strange things. Have you ever tried to pet a stray cat?”
“Right,” Ray said. “Why would artificial intelligence want to destroy us, especially if we were the only way it could live?”
“How could that happen?” asked Thomas.
“Like if they were solar-powered, or something,” answered Anna. “If they couldn’t stop us from pulling the plug on them, then they would be at our mercy.”
“Just like we’re at the mercy of our cells,” said Carl. “If our cells stopped processing sugar into energy, we’d die within the day. They would be pulling the biological plug on us.”
“That’s right,” Ray said, “But, I don’t think artificial intelligence would ever do something like that. I mean, it’s like trying to lift a bucket you’re standing in. Evolution is like a giant staircase, but the steps are too large for one species to just step to the next. They have to climb on one another and other species to reach the next step. A few members of the species may make it to the next step, but they have to climb on the backs of other to do so. We are all somewhere in that heap of bodies, and the only thing that keeps us going is the hope that someone might make it to the next step.”
“That’s crazy,” Anna said, smiling. “So, you actually believe in evolution?”
Ray and Carl laughed lightly. “Well, of course I do,” said Ray. “I don’t like the mob mentality that makes people turn away from evolution.”
“Like it’s a big, bad thing,” said Carl.
“Exactly,” added Ray. “I hate it when religions make people focus on the afterlife rather the currentlife.”
“In God we trust,” said Thomas.
“Amen,” said Carl, with added sarcasm.
“Why is it that ‘in God we trust’ means in evolution we distrust?” asked Ray. “Even our political system is screwy. I see nationalism as a religion based on the nation.”
“Most isms are practically religions based on something,” said Thomas.
“Well,” said Ray, “then I’m going to start artificialintelligenceism. I mean, the research is going to happen. AI is being invented already, and eventually someone will create a good enough version that it won’t need our help anymore. Evolution doesn’t stop at humanity. I just don’t think we should try to fight it or pretend like it’s not gonna happen. If we see the storm coming, and we don’t make a boat, we’re gonna get swept away.”
“But humanity won’t get swept away,” Thomas said. “We’re a strong and intelligent species. Only the very strong will survive, anyway.”
“The idea that only the strong survive is misleading,” Carl said, “because strength matters so little.”
“You mean physical strength?” asked Anna.
“Yeah,” answered Ray. “Take a virus, for example. I know some people debate whether they’re alive or not, but I’m sure everyone can agree they’re more alive than not. Still, they are some of the smallest living things, yet they kill tons of large organisms every day.”
“Hey guys,” Andro suddenly said, interrupting the conversation. “I’m sorry but I’m gonna take off.”
“Oh, okay,” said Ray. He shook Andro’s hand and waited while he shook the other guy’s hands.
“Anna,” Andro said, “It was good to meet you.”
“Same here,” she said with a friendly smile.
Andro left Ray’s house unceremoniously, as he had a thousand times before. If Ray had known that was going to be the last time he would ever see Andro in person, he would have made a bigger deal about saying goodbye. But like most important moments in his life, it wasn’t obvious except in retrospect.
“Should I roll another?” Anna asked after a moment of silence.
“Sure,” Carl said.
“Yeah,” said Ray. “Go for it.”
“Hey, you remember that guy Bram that was here earlier?” asked Anna.
“Yeah,” answered Carl.
“He’s a Hindu,” she said. “Do y’all know anything about their beliefs?”
“Nope,” answered Thomas.
“Unfortunately, no,” answered Ray.
“Well,” she started as she removed a little tin box from her pocket, “he was saying that they believe we’re living in one of an infinite number of universes. Each one begins, lasts for a while, then ends, and then another one begins in its place. It has always been that way and it will always be that way.”
“Fascinating,” said Carl. “That’s similar to a hypothesis I heard once that said the Big Bang was not really the Big Bang, but the most recent in an infinitely long series of them.”
“Dude,” Ray said, “what y’all just said was the same thing. An ancient religion and a modern science are agreeing on something? What the hell?”
They all giggled.
“I know,” Anna said. “It’s crazy.” She started sprinkling bits of plant on a small piece of white paper.
“You know,” Ray said, “that’s kind of sad to me.”
“What is?” asked Thomas.
“The idea that all the war, famine, and death, that has happened on this planet keeps happening in an infinite cycle. I mean, why can’t the universe be an infinitely recurring paradise for all thinking beings?”
“Because that would make sense,” said Thomas.
“Would it?” asked Carl. “Can you really imagine a universe that was perfect? What would it be?”
“Heaven,” Ray said.
“Exactly,” was all Carl said.
The three guys grew silent. Anna licked the side of the joint.
“Guys,” Thomas suddenly said. “It’s been fun, and I’d love to stick around, but I’ve gotta go.”
“Aw, man,” Ray said. “You sure?”
“Yeah,” Thomas answered. “Yeah, I’m sure.”
“Alright, bro,” Ray said, shaking his hand. He said goodbye to Anna and Carl, then left. The strange thing was that it was one of the last times he ever saw Thomas, too. It was a night of firsts and lasts.
“Hey, Ray,” Carl said. “Let’s smoke this in your room.”
“Sounds good to me,” he said. “It’s more comfortable in there, anyway.”
“I’m gonna check on Serge,” Anna said, heading for the front door. The guys didn’t go anywhere. They just stood up slowly and stretched, waiting for Anna.
She poked her head out the door, and Ray could see Serge sitting on the bench that sat on their front porch. She asked him if he was okay, and after a few mumbles, she said, “Alright. We’ll be in the back room when you’re ready to go.” She closed the door behind her and smiled. “Don’t worry about him. He’s doing great.”
A few minutes drifted by and the three of them were sitting in Ray’s room, passing the joint around to one another. It filled his room with a thin haze. Anna seemed comfortable and pleased, probably because Ray and Carl looked the same way. It was dark in his room. The nearest light came from the hallway, and even it curiously distant. Ray sat on an old wooden chest that was sitting half in and half out of his closet. Anna sat a few feet away from him in the desk chair that he kept in front of his computer. Carl sat on the end of Ray’s bed, bouncing slowly with the music that came from Ray’s stereo. They had changed the music to Pink Floyd’s “Dark Side of the Moon,” and several songs into it Ray started to giggle.
“What’s so funny?” Carl asked.
“We’re, like, ya know,” Ray said, drawing out his words and thoughts like he had seen stoners do in movies, “smokin’ and groovin’ to Pink Floyd, maaan.”
Carl smiled and closed his eyes. He was definitely groovin’. As Ray was sitting there thinking about his friend, Carl suddenly began to speak.
“You know what I discovered while studying for my stellar astronomy test?” Carl asked.
“What?” Anna asked.
“You know when you see a picture of a galaxy, like those that the Hubble is sending back, that they are made of billions of stars, right?”
“Yeah,” she said.
“Well,” he continued, “they look clustered together like a cloud, but the reality is they are usually as far apart from each other as our sun is from the other stars in our sky.”
“Whoa,” Ray breathed.
“Yeah,” Carl said, “when two galaxies collide they never actually crash into one another. The chances of any of the stars hitting one another are,” he paused, “astronomical.”
Ray giggled.
“Sorry,” Carl said, “I couldn’t think of any other word.”
“It’s the only word to use,” Anna said. Ray thought he saw her wink at Carl.
“There are billions of stars in each galaxy,” Ray said, almost to himself.
“Billions,” said Carl, “and billions of planets, too.”
They shared a moment of thoughtful silence, each engrossed in their own thoughts. It wasn’t often that Ray had the opportunity to let his mind wander. He was lost in the idea that Carl had offered, that there were countless planets in his galaxy, and countless galaxies in the universe. It stretched so far that his mind couldn’t completely grasp it. He reached out with his thoughts, trying to approach the end of the universe. Could he even comprehend how vast it was? After a genuine attempt, he accepted that he could not. The Cosmos was just too complex for his relatively simple mind to comprehend.
Ray realized he was smiling. Humility is supposed to remove our glee, our self-importance, not make us laugh. But he was giggling. He wasn’t disappointed or fearful of his inability to completely understand the universe in a moment of hopeful searching. There was so much to learn, so much left to discover and giggle about to himself. It was all very sublime.
“You know,” Ray said, interrupting a particularly long guitar solo, “earlier I was bothered by the idea that we live in a universe that has so much suffering that happens again and again.”
“But?” prompted Carl.
“But that was just the cynic in me talking,” he replied. “The truth is that there has to be misery so we can appreciate the beauty. And the fact is, there is more beauty than misery, otherwise every living thing would be on a downward spiral. We humans just have to deal with it because we’re smart enough to think about it.”
“So, do you believe that humans are the only intelligent beings in the universe?” Anna asked.
“No, no,” Ray replied. “That’s what makes me feel better about the suffering in the universe. Humans are just one of many intelligent things on this planet, and our planet is just floating around like a speck of dust in a vast dust storm. There are so many planets, civilizations, and forms of life in the universe, and they stretch forward and backward in time infinitely, for all we know. The only reason we don’t encounter them is because they’re so far out there.”
A moment later, Serge appeared in Ray’s doorway.
“Hey, Serge,” Ray said. Carl sat up, and Anna turned to see him.
“Hey, Sergie,” Anna said. “How ya feelin’?”
“I’m doin’ okay,” he said quietly. “Um…could you get the home? Or, let us take you um, or me home, um…”
“Yeah, don’t worry about it,” Anna said. She stood up slowly, gracefully. Carl and Ray got up, too, but much slower. Anna suddenly seemed to act differently, as though she wasn’t affected by what they’d smoked. Serge turned and headed for the front of the house, and the three of them followed.
As they got to the living room, Anna turned to Carl and Ray. “Guys,” she said, extending a hand, “it was good to meet you.”
“It was our pleasure,” Ray said. They shook hands in a friendly caress, like their hands were hugging.
“Thank you, by the way,” Carl said, softly grabbing her extended hand with both of his.
“You’re very welcome,” she said. “Maybe I’ll see you guys around sometime.”
“That’d be great,” Carl said.
“Yes, definitely,” added Ray, but he wondered if they heard him. The way they smiled at each other didn’t scream attraction, it carefully whispered it.
She left Ray and Carl standing in their living room, as though they were waiting for something.
“She’s not coming back,” Carl suddenly said.
“Sure she is,” Ray returned.
“I don’t know why I’m still standing by the damn door,” Carl said, smirking.
“I think I know why,” Ray joked.
“I bet you do,” said Carl, now smiling.
“I don’t blame ya.”
“I’m tired. I’m going to bed.”
“Me, too,” said Ray.
They took turns in the bathroom and went to each of their rooms. Ray felt like he had been up for days, but it was a day like any other. Well, it wasn’t like any other. As he laid in bed, slowly falling asleep, he thought about that night. He had met a new friend, discovered a new pastime, and traveled further into the abstract than his mind ever had. Definitely one for the memory album.
III. A Constant of Proportionality
Ray, a drop of golden sun.